Live ~ Laugh ~ BeFit.

i debated on whether to write for a post for Operation Beautiful’s grand release. i figure, i operate such a small corner of the blog world over here, rambling on about public health and such, would it reach many people? (ps. Caitlin knocked it out of the park today! check her out )

then i decided, that doesn’t matter too much. i’ll be honest, i went back and forth after writing this story out, debating with myself whether to post it. i’ve never told this story, this way. and it’s scary to put it out there like this. but, it’s my truth. and my hope and goal has always been to have a positive affect on people’s lives and wellbeing–so perhaps this is a new avenue to achieve that.

the reality is that i stumbled into my career by following my obsession. to be frank, many many people in the fitness industry got into it because of their obsession, i’m not unique in that. many many registered dietitians study nutrition as a way to feed their obsession.* i’m good at what i do, and i’m very passionate about it (public health, wellness, and fitness), but it wasn’t borne from a very balanced place.

for years and years i’ve obsessed over my weight. i remember thinking about it as early as elementary school. i’ve cycled through many unhealthy behaviors all aimed at achieving an ideal that was tied to a number. clothing size, scale number. it took something pretty drastic to break me of them.

on the outside, i’ve looked healthy to everyone. maintained a healthy weight. very, very active. i’ll admit though that my thought processes were far from healthy. the things that i told myself were far from full of love, full of kindness. it could have been worse, but now being on the other side of it, i could have been so SO much better to myself.

life went on that way, focused on an unhealthy obsession, with a poor body image, for a few (ok, many) years. to fast forward:  i moved in with my then-boyfriend (now husband) and started a new and interesting behavior: binging. i couldn’t get full. ever. i could eat huge meals and still be hungry. i gained weight. not a lot, just enough to make me feel uncomfortable in my skin. i panicked about it. i went to an even worse place mentally, where i felt like i couldn’t control the thing that i had controlled for so long. i was not pleasant to be around.

turns out, insatiable hunger (and subsequent binging) was the start of my symptoms for graves disease. i wasn’t diagnosed for a few more years, but those binges were the first signs. then my heart rate started to climb. my resting heart rate stayed the same, but my exercise heart rate skyrocketed. i couldn’t run like i used to. exercising was so much harder than it had been.  i’m a career fitness professional-i know my body, and something wasn’t right. i got checked out for exercise induced asthma, and other possible things. still no diagnosis. then the anxiety started. i felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. i had an inexplicable desire to wring and shake my hands.

finally during a routine physical something came back abnormal. my thyroid. graves disease, an autoimmune thyroid condition.

i know it probably sounds weird to say finally something came back abnormal and sound relieved. i was though. it wasn’t me. it wasn’t in my head. i couldn’t will this away, or do anything different to alleviate my issues. there was a cause and it wasn’t my behaviors. i didn’t have control over it.

after exploring options with my husband (then fiancé), i decided to have radioactive iodine treatment, which essentially killed my thyroid function.

treatment was hard. the first thing i noticed was that i felt better. ironic, right? i had no idea how badly i felt for so long, until i started feeling better. the way RAI works is that you have treatment, and then about 6 weeks later you go back in for follow up and to go on medication. about 2 weeks into treatment i felt amazing. no more anxiety. i felt FULL again. no more binging. then i started feeling worse. falling asleep in the afternoon (really helpful when you work fulltime). gained weight. lost some of my hair. (i’ll point out here, i was a bride. this was terrifying to deal with while planning my wedding. i won’t lie about it. it was a very difficult thing to come to terms with.) i went on my thyroid medication (i’ll take it every day for the rest of my life) and have gone through several tweaks to get the level right. i’m now, about a year later, pretty much back to my status quo; lost the weight i gained (very, very slowly), stopped losing my hair, am understanding my body in a way that i never have before. in a healthy way.

it’s no picnic, but if i had to get an autoimmune disease, this one is manageable. actually, if i tell the whole truth, i feel like it’s not fair for me to say i have a condition or a disease. other people have it so much worse than me.

here’s the real lesson that i learned. i know my body so much better now than i ever knew it when i was obsessed over making it “perfect”.  i’ve let got of many obsessions–there’s nothing like losing the control that you thought you had (healthy or unhealthy) to make you realize that it’s really not worth it. it consumes so much of your energy. it’s so freeing to make the choice to let them go. i can’t remember the last time that i truly thought something negative about myself, physically. i can’t remember the last time i skipped a social function or opted out of a shared meal because i was scared, or because i would rather exercise. i am strong, smart, and capable of handling anything that comes my way. and i’m done wasting days obsessing. days are too short for that. life isn’t always a picnic over here, but there’s no reason for me to make it harder than it needs to be. i’m certainly not perfect, but i’ve finally come to terms with my past “healthy living” habits and have traded them for true healthful, balanced living. and you know, i don’t have kids yet but i finally am living the type of life that i would be proud to model for them.

i started my blog because i enjoy writing, and i’m a fitness and wellness professional who dedicated my career (from undergrad to grad school, and working life) to making people healthier through preventing chronic disease. i wanted to share my thoughts, sometimes mundane, sometimes deeper, but i also wanted to continue to find my balance and commit to myself to live my healthiest life by never going back to where i was before. you see, i’m not perfect, far from, but i know my journey, i know my weaknesses, and the truth is, it just took me a while to embrace it fully for myself, to come back from the extremes i lived with for so long.

i guess that you could say that my diagnosis was my healthy tipping point, because i had the choice–go back to what i knew, what i had done for so many years, go back to the obsession, or to not. and i chose to move on.  onwards and upwards as my dad says. he’s a smart dude.

*certainly not ALL fitness professionals and RDs entered the field of study because they were obsessed or had an unhealthy relationship with exercise or food. but it is a phenomenon prevalent in the field. it legitimizes the obsession and can be a cover for said unhealthy relationships and behaviors. but to be clear, i’m not implying that all, or even most fall into that category.